A few weeks ago it was going around Facebook that we should change our profile picture to a picture from our youth, I took the bait and started to upload pictures from when I was a kid. What a joy it was to take a trip down memory lane. My father turned 60 a few years ago and I had created a scrapbook for him since he really missed most of our childhood so the pictures were already on my computer. I knew that posting the pictures was going cause a ruckus because my mother. I had that old fear of her well up in me however; I decide to post them anyway.

One of the things my mother told us growing up was that my father burned all of our baby pictures. This was interesting to think about when we were older considering my mother had tons of baby pictures of us they were thrown in a drawer and since we moved around all the time growing up these pictures were getting beaten up pretty heavily. This was very disheartening to see the memories of my youth being treated as if they meant nothing all the while being told how horrible my father was for burning all of these memories. Talk about confusing for a kid.

About 10 years ago before my sister moved East to me near me she took all of the pictures from my mothers house. Most of the pictures were worn and so many were ruined by my mothers many animals and many years of being moved and never being placed into albums for protection. My sister was gracious enough to divide the pictures up between my bother, herself, and me. She made sure that we all had our baby pictures and an equal share of pictures of us together. I am so grateful to have these old photos as they are reminders of times gone by, there are pictures of some of the last trips to dads house that were such faded distant memories after years of being alienated from him. When I look at those pictures I can see and feel the love of my father and this warms my heart.

After many years I am still being blamed for taking those photos even after my sister finally confessed. My mother the severe alienator refuses to see or believe this so she continues to tell the story of how I took these precious memories from her that she so lovingly threw in boxes and drawer to never be looked and or cared for.

When I posted the pictures and I tagged my sister and some of my other relatives on Facebook my sister called me immediately and said ”what are you posting these for take them down mom is going to get mad.” As stated before I had that initial feeling when I was posting and then overcame the fear of what might happen and plunged ahead since they were my baby pictures and I was already being blamed for the crime what did I really care. This anger in my mother really did not have anything to do with the loss of these photos and the memories it had more to do with the loss of control and power she felt by holding them hostage. My treating these photos as if they were nothing yet keeping them from us knowing that we wanted them as if they were gold.

What’s great about the pictures being online is now my mother can also have digital copies of the photos and there is no risk of the animals or lack of a safe place to store these photos.

As a byproduct of drama around the baby pictures growing and I have taken more picture of my two children I could hang all of their photos in my house and cover ever square inch and have massive amounts of pictures leftover. I also became so protective of my photos that no one was allowed to look at the picture when they came back from the printer until they were placed into a photo album in chronological order☺ It humors me now looking back over my past and recognizing where my ridiculous behavior as an adult came from limiting beliefs I created to be truths from decision forming incidents from my youth.

Parental Alienations can be confusing even when we are adults. We slip into old behavior and old patterns even within the dynamics of our sibling relationships. The old fears and feeling of knowing something was not right and yet being totally afraid to express yourself for the fear of what would happen for crossing the alienating parent. My sister still falls prey to this toxic behavior. I feel the old feeling and do as I have always done which is go against the grid for knowing in my intuitive self that what I am doing is loving and also setting the record straight.

There are many things about both of my parents that I love and many things that I could live without. I am happy to be 40 and to have a greater understanding of the journey I have been on and the experiences I have continued to endure at the hands of an alienating parent. I wish for my mother to let go of her years of anger, pain, and hostility, to release her fear of losing control and to allow herself to lien into the abundance of unconditional love the world has to offer.

I am so grateful for technology and the ability to share memories with my family and the world and to know that these old photos can restore to feeling of lost love and realization that my once alienated father always love his children….

Ahhhh now that’s great karma.

Happy Co-Parenting see you next week,

Dorcy Russell
CEO/Founder
Conscious Co-Parenting Institute

Last Night we went to see the lightening thief. My 11-year-old daughter LOVED the books and begged for her reward for having straight A’s and once again being on the honor role to go on opening night. I had agreed and then the snow warnings were all over the TV. I had already bought the tickets so off to the movies we went.

I had not read the books so I had no idea what to think. My daughters were excited the theater was packed and the middle school principal was sitting right in front of us with his family. There is always such a natural high about being in a packed theater with kids illuminated with excitement of a much-anticipated movie from a very popular book.

As a parent I was elated that my daughter, who always finds something wrong with everything, found a series of books that she can’t put down and talks about constantly. I wondered why she as all abuzz. The book teaches Greek mythology in a fun, exciting way (as a parent you got to love that). My oldest is a chatter box so the entire movie she was sharing what was different what was going to happen next and how cool everything was, proclaiming at the end that this was better then Harry Potter and now her MOST favorite movie ever☺. Learning at this level and her ability to remember Greek mythology with such detail makes me giddy as a schoolgirl, not for the Greek mythology part but for the fact that she is so excited about learning and retaining information she loves. This just solidifies by beliefs in the dire need for a new education system that fosters the healthy growth of the minds of our children to encourage and support the decision to follow their dreams, their natural interest and talents. Her love of these books allows her to expand and express her creative mind.

The lightening thief is about children that were born to mortal through the procreation with Greek Gods. Percy Jackson and his best friend is a wonderful representation of today’s youth. He has been labeled by the mere mortals, teachers, doctors and adults has being ADHD and dyslexic and so he has low self esteem thinking that there is something wrong with him however feelings bouncing back and forth with thoughts of empowerment (how he speaks out for his mother) to self loathing. While in a museum learning about the Greek Gods everything that is all mixed up he can now see clearly as he is a half blood a demi-god who means his mother is a mortal and his father is a Greek God. Ahhh and then the true lessons that lie in the beautifully constructed story. I love it when Hollywood gets it right. When they reach out to our youth and instead of selling sex and perfection they are teaching love and the building of self-esteem and empowerment. Teaching lessons of purpose and passion and the very things we struggle with on our journey and that most of us don’t even begin to uncover and become aware of until much later in life. This is a wonderful teaching mechanism to teach the children of today who are feeling restless much earlier what most adults see at typical teenage behavior and phases are really the awakening of these beautiful enlighten souls, the children of today that are ready to pounce into their life purpose with passion and vigor at such amazingly young ages.

Percy finds out that he is a demi-god. In the story the Gods are forbidden to have any contact with the demi-god children so these children are raised without one parent. The bond with the missing parent is displayed though telepathic communication and these demi-gods are all knowing that the other parent exists and loves them. (As a co-parenting coach I work with so many kids that talk of this very same phenomenon. That after they are getting out of the clutches of an alienating parent these children say they know that the missing or alienated parent loves them and that sometimes they thought they could hear them talking to them even though they were not there☺) Percy’s best friend is on crutches and it comes out later that he is half goat and half man, he is Percy’s protector in the real world and even Percy thinks this is ridiculous when he finds out, as his friend has obvious physical limitations. These children are being treated differently and being label with things that would in today’s society be looked at as something wrong with them. Something to medicate, or look down upon with either rejection or pity as if they are not good enough creating limiting beliefs for a whole group of children, holding them back creating fear based actions and causing positive forward moving action paralysis. This of course has been happening for centuries, which is why so many adults are confused, and lost dealing with the inner demons of their own limiting beliefs.

The undertone lesson in the story, which is why I think my daughter, who was born with a cosmetic alteration with her ear and ALL children for that matter who are struggling with some type of negative label that their parents or society has placed on them resonate with the books and now the movie. The lesson is this. That we are unique and special with our physical or mental limitations. That we are All GOD we are all special. We are all here to learn and to grow to teach and be taught. That everyone and I mean EVERYONR has a purpose. We are all here in our own unique and special way. That when we place our limiting beliefs on others and ourselves it holds them back and it also holds us back. What it also teaches is that whatever your limiting beliefs are that are holding you back can be changed at the blink of an eye by becoming aware that they are illusions. That limiting beliefs are just that limiting and just beliefs. EVERY ONE of us has a duty to ourselves and others, to gain clarity around our own limiting beliefs so that we can clear and shift them and free our minds and spirits to do the work we chose to come here to do. To walk in our own greatness and to guide our children to walk in theirs. I teach people in my coaching practice skills, mindset, and easy to implement practices to do this I their own lives. I have to say I was so tickled to see this message to hear it loud and clear. It moved me to tears and at the core of my being to see this consciousness shift displayed through books and movies for kids.

If you have not seen the movie take your children. Use it as a tool to talk about the challenges your children are having in their lives. Use it as a door to open up conversation with your children about their own limiting beliefs. Use it to recognize your limiting beliefs and to be accountable for the limiting beliefs you have placed on your children from lack of awareness or your own fears. This movie or the books are a wonderful, fun tool to open up dialog with your children to connect on a level that is beyond the surface it allows you and your children to open up your minds and your hearts to the possibilities of connecting at new and deeper levels. Solidifying your deep connection to your children and to the world as a whole. AHHHHHHH Now that’s creating good karma and connectedness don’t you think?

To the success of creating healthy relationships.

Create a Magnificent day!

Dorcy

Last week I shared with you part of my personal journey experiencing parental alienation through the holidays. As you have read parental alienation in my personal life cuts very deeply. The Parental Alienation in my life stems from my childhood that has evolved into my work with Conscious Co-Parenting Institute.

Some of you know I have a very tumultuous relationship with my mother. It’s certainly not for my lack of trying to have a better relationship with her. When you’re dealing with an alienating parent even in adulthood 35 years after she divorced my father she still has his behaviors. Unfortunately she has turned her alienation from directly at my father to me.

Last year when my mom turns 60 in bottom of beautiful pendant it was filled with healing stones when I picked it out I had no idea what the stones meant I just saw the necklace it really spoke to me about my mom I really wanted to reach out after all these years and try to heal our relationship. It was interesting when someone pointed out that the stones meant something and I read the card I was blown away by how much those stones were meant for her. I sent the necklace first and then the next day I e-mailed her a 12 page letter. The letter was a letter of forgiveness, a letter of love, and a letter to reconnect. I was extremely hurt by my mother when she so graciously accept the pendent and then when she received the letter chose to not speak to me again.

People could read this and pass judgment on my mother and there are many many things that she has done through the years that certainly would raise a few eyebrows, create or looks on peoples faces of horror when they hear the stories, and interestingly as most of you know who deal with people who alienate children from their other parent there is a master manipulator so the people closest to her she is able to manipulate to believe for toxic lies.

This is not a blog post about bashing my mother is more of a post about enlightening people to how damaging their behavior is to their children. I believe that when we were young my mother really did feel that she was doing the best by not allowing us to see our father at first but then what evolved into parental alienation or shall I say extreme alienation was my mother’s undying desire to sever all ties with not only my father but my father’s family and even her own. When you disagreed with my mom she tell you out if her life and then of course ours. She never once thought about the repercussions or the long-term damage that would have on her children.

I believe the parental alienation stems from a place of fear and lack. It’s from a mentality of the alienating parent never really feeling love or believing that they deserve it. I believe that these limiting beliefs stem from the alienating parent’s childhood by the way they were treated or the way that their parents communicated with them. Alienating parents do not take the time to heal their wounds from the inside out. As I’ve been doing this work with hundreds of target parents and their children, adult children of parental alienation, living and applying it in my own life, and with a small focus group of alienating parents the common thread in the alienator is that they are coming from limiting beliefs that they don’t deserve love. So they graciously pass on their gifts of the limiting belief system of non-deserving mindset. They are behaving in a way that continues to manifest their greatest fear, which is they will never receive love because ultimately they believe they don’t deserve it. The alienating parent projects out into the world, and does to others what they really feel they deserve for themselves.

So many people say to me your mother does horrible things to you how do love her. And often times I asked myself that same question. Like New Year’s Day when I took for metro trains to Pasadena on the hopes that maybe I would get to see my mom and my brother. They were in town for the Rose Bowl. I wrote several times in the prior week’s on my mom’s Facebook wall I left her voice messages, sent her text, I even spoke to her on Christmas day. Of course she made up all the excuses and reasons on that day why she didn’t think it would be possible that we be able to see her even though we were going to be in Pasadena the morning of the rose parade in the Rose Bowl. It’s funny that I’m dating you really want to go to the Rose Parade and he shared with me all the reasons why traffic, parking, too many people, etc. however convinced him that I wanted to go I looked at all the information on the Metro train and off to Pasadena we went the next morning

I told myself that I’ve always wanted to go to the Rose Parade, which was true ,but looking back on it now the child in me really wanted the opportunity to see my mom. Even though we’ve never been close, she’s always taken the divorce out on me (probably because I look like my father) but there’s a part of me that desires a healthy loving bonds and relationship with my mother. I was grateful on New Year’s Eve when my dad’s little brother my uncle Joe’s, family called me to let me know that they too were going to the Rose Parade something that they had never done living in California their entire lives. They were taking a tour bus in from San Luis Obispo my hometown and so I took that as a sign from the universe that I needed to get to Pasadena no matter what.

On the Metro train ride up and had mixed feelings. I was elated to see my extended family whom I love very dearly and I was nervous that my mom would be a no-show. I was keeping the faith that we were there 6 1/2 hours before the game that certainly in that amount of time we would be able to connect even if it is just briefly. We got to the parade met up with my extended family and I continue to call my mom only to get voicemail. I have a sinking feeling that she probably would be a no-show but I kept watching those thoughts out of my mind as I’m a believer that thoughts become things and I didn’t want to manifest that. At 9:30 AM my mom called at butterflies in my stomach kept an open mind and answer the phone. You can imagine my disappointment and broken heart when my mom said they were already in the football stadium six hours before the game starts again it was the same excuses we had to get in our parking spot, there’s so many things to do with the football stadium, we need to get to our seats. Then the next day to read my mothers post Facebook how much fun she had at the Rose bowl and how much she loves her sister and mother that she saw while she was in California, family which she alienated us from most of our childhood, said horrible things about them and then of course when her kids were forming relationships with them in adult hood she went and sabotaged that. So now I no longer have a relationship with my grandmother, this is a whole other story for another day. You can imagine how someone could be hurt, become the victim and take all of this behavior personally. I admit I was crushed at first even shed a momentary tear. Then I sucked it up remember the place of which my o=mother operates the place of lack and limiting belief she does not deserve love and I loved my self and energetically sent the love out into the universe for her.

I didn’t let the Tragedy of the Roses ruined my day, nor did I let that bring in 2010 on a sour note. I know in my heart that I’m a gleaming reminder to my mother of her deepest fears her greatest pain in her lack of love limiting belief system. I let that be the divine gift the universe was providing me which was the reminder of how important my mission is. How important it is to be the voice and force of change for families moving through a divorce and beyond.

I share this with you today not from the victim mindset but from an empowered place. I share this with you today because I think it’s important to share authentically with people what happens in families that are wrought with parental alienation. I share this with you today because in my life and in my business I am striving to do and to teach change. I share this with you today to let you know that you at any moment can change or limiting belief system. You have the opportunity to do, be, act and react differently. I know that this journey that we are all on can be difficult, challenging, and wrought with pain. Is how you choose to handle the difficulties challenges and pain that will cause quantum leaps in your life and in your relationships.

I hold out hope for my relationship with my mother. I hope to be able to express myself in a way this year to let my mom know and show my mom that although I don’t agree with her treatment for her behavior that my love is unconditional. I hope to be able to express myself in a way that only with my mother but with everybody in my life that love is universal and that love comes from the inside out. My intentions this year with Conscious Co-Parenting Institute is to continue to raise the awareness and push forward the journey to eliminate parental alienation globally. I do know from my own personal experience and in the work that I do that when we become aware of our limiting beliefs we increase our consciousness we can shift our behaviors, take responsibility for our contributions good bad or different, and we can love ourselves unconditionally and it is from this place that the world and the global consciousness shifts.

Create a GREAT day!

Dorcy

This year the holidays were super fun. I had my girl’s this year and we did our bi-annual cookie bake off. We make more sweets then we know what to do with and then invite people over Christmas Eve to eat them and then take them home. This year was particularly fun because my girls were old enough to help. We baked several of our favorites, a big fat HoHo cake which is a chocolate roll cake and homemade whipped cream, Yummy!

Holidays can be trying and challenging for a lot of divorced families. We were hoping that Rob and his children were going to come for part of the holiday however his ex was not going to have it. It is unfortunate that the children suffer at the insecurities and lack mentality of their parents. It is unfortunate when divorced parents don’t really put the needs of their children first and manipulate their children into thinking that their needs and desires are the same as their parents.

So this holiday as our families change and grow we make adjustments to what is and what is not. We enjoy each other when we have the time to spend with each other and we let go of the expectations we have of the perfect family or the perfect scenario and go with the flow. When this happens it create a peace and harmony in what can easily be a chaotic situation. We can move from a place of allowing the alienating parent to control and manipulate our emotions to just being.

My ex and I have a relationship where we can be in the same room with each other and be kind and courteous. He came over Christmas morning after we had our time with Santa and had some lunch and we exchanged gifts. It is not my favorite part of Christmas for me, however it is my children’s favorite part. Even though they know mom and dad will never be together again they like it when we spend time together with them. It is important to set a good example for our children after divorce that their relationship with both of their parents is important.

The day after Christmas the girls went to their dads for the second half of the holiday break. This part is particularly painful to me as my mother who continue to behave in an alienating fashion sends the girls big presents to their dads house, along with my grandmother who has been manipulated by my mother she no longer send me the hand selected Hallmark Holiday card she send them to my ex titled to the Worlds Greatest Grandson…it is perplexing at best considering my grandmother has only seen my ex 3 times at most in the 18 years I have know him. What’s unfortunate is how my ex thinks that this is ok and encourages this behavior. He is the passive aggressive alienator and pretends like he is unaware of the damage this causes to our children. This used to infuriate me now that understand the psychology of this toxic behavior I no longer allow their behavior to impact me. I come from a place of forgiveness and let it go.

So many alienators love to say “well I am not an alienator because they ma not say out right You other parent is bad, or mean or does not love you, because they behave in a very passive aggressive way they can fool a lot of people into thinking they are the victim and that their has wronged them they have done nothing etc, however this year is the year that Parental Alienation in all of is fall out will be included in the DSM (Diagnosis and statistical mental disorders. If not you have not sent in your vote can do so here http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?page_id=5372 This will bring in more consistency to family court and more importantly catch and stop the behavior early on. I do believe that some alienators can stop. When they can set aside their anger and pain and their victim mindset and truly put their disdain and hate for the other parent aside and put the love for your children first.
The man I am seeing his ex came after me this past weekend when we went to get the kids. She would not open the door she had the kids speak to me through the mail slot on the door. She finally came to the door when Rob threatened to call the police and charge her with kidnapping. She came after me with all guns a blazing. She was all over the map screaming toxic nonsense and anger at me for bloging and doing what I do. Angry for accusing her of being an alienator yet continue to scream at me in front of her children belittling Rob and then me in front of the children. She has her daughter spying on us. She removes our business cards from Robs house and anything else she want to use to try to manipulate. It is very unfortunate. She even has her children reading what I write. She thinks that what she is doing is normal and that having adult conversations with her children is appropriate. She feels that using them, as her sounding board for all the horrible things she feels Rob has done is somehow healthy and normal. She thinks that yelling at me and raising her hands to hit me more then once in front of her children is normal and healthy. She believes that now the demise of her relationship is my fault yet the separated 3 years before we met. She has now turned her toxic behavior towards me. Worried I am sure of any type of relationship I would have with their children she is taking this opportunity to throw me under the bus. What is the saddest apart of all of this is the kids are caught in the crossfire. They are trying to not be disloyal to their mother who is constantly fit to be tied and in the process spirally into the lack mentality, hate and despair. They are so confused they say things like I am destroying their family? That’s perplexing since the divorce was four years ago. The kids are using vulgar language towards me as if this is ok. The ex was making a stance for her pride as she did not want to me to see inside her house as they just got back from a trip and the suitcases were still in the living room and that was why she was so upset, the verbal attack was irrational and all over the board. It ended with her finally sending the reluctant children out to the car and me leaving her porch. If I had it to do over again we would have notified her that I was coming as well so she could get prepared, however in an effort to contact his children for the entire week prior with not one return phone call except from his 8 year old son just prior to our drive to her home to pick them up, it would be difficult to have achieved that task.
I will chalk up his ex’s claims to not being an alienator to her lack of really knowing what that means. My hope for the children is that she will realize what her behavior is doing to her children before they turn on her in adulthood. My hope is that all the alienators of the world will take the time to heal their wounds to understand the source of their behavior and get the help that they need to learn how to truly love themselves and then love others including their children. It does not have to be this difficult. There does not need to be all this hurt, drama and pain. Nobody is saying that divorce is easy. It really does not matter who is to blame it takes two to tango some alienators love to claim that since they did not want to leave the unhealthy marriage that the target parent is 100% to blame so therefore they do not deserve to have any kind of a relationship with their children. They think it is okay to tell the children that the other parent left the family when in reality the other parent left the marriage not the family. These false claims and attacks damage the children’s self esteem and relationship in the future. A lack of understand at this level is what causes early onset of drug abuse, inappropriate sexual activity and suicide in teens. It is with greater awareness change happens.
My intent to shed light on my personal journeys through parental alienation is to help others see the errors of their ways, to understand that change can happen when you make the choice to change and that love and forgiveness is a simple change action away. An alienator can make the decision to do something different and then do it. A target parent can respond and take constructive action at anytime it is making the decision to do it and then doing it. It really is that simple. I have watched it in my own life and I have coached many others to do the very same thing. All you have to do is make a different choice.
As a side note To Rob’s ex who is now reading my blog, I invite you to let go of your anger. I invite you to think about the ramification your actions and words have on your children as well as yourself. I am more then happy to talk with you when ever you wish. I want you to know that I understand your pain and I understand your fear and I understand how you feel about me I even understand your anger towards your ex. I am not trying to take any thing from you. I am simply trying to help the man I love have a healthy loving relationship with his children that he once had. There is plenty of room in their hearts to love both of you and the people you both choose to share your lives with, it does not have to be wrought with fighting and hatred. It can be filled with love and connectedness. I know you don’t want to be my friend and no one is saying that you have to be what is important is to encourage the bond between both you and you’re children as well as their father and their children. They are not a possession to be fought over they are human beings who can think and act for themselves. One day they will grow into adulthood and nothing world be more tragic then to watch your beautiful children grow into their adulthood with hatred in their hearts and learned behavior that is not healthy or loving. It will affect ALL of their relationship. Including their relationship with you trust me, I KNOW!!!!!
Next week I will share my journey to the Rose Parade in hopes of seeing my mother and my continued efforts to bridge the gap…

In love and Peace,

Dorcy Russell