Last week I shared with you part of my personal journey experiencing parental alienation through the holidays. As you have read parental alienation in my personal life cuts very deeply. The Parental Alienation in my life stems from my childhood that has evolved into my work with Conscious Co-Parenting Institute.

Some of you know I have a very tumultuous relationship with my mother. It’s certainly not for my lack of trying to have a better relationship with her. When you’re dealing with an alienating parent even in adulthood 35 years after she divorced my father she still has his behaviors. Unfortunately she has turned her alienation from directly at my father to me.

Last year when my mom turns 60 in bottom of beautiful pendant it was filled with healing stones when I picked it out I had no idea what the stones meant I just saw the necklace it really spoke to me about my mom I really wanted to reach out after all these years and try to heal our relationship. It was interesting when someone pointed out that the stones meant something and I read the card I was blown away by how much those stones were meant for her. I sent the necklace first and then the next day I e-mailed her a 12 page letter. The letter was a letter of forgiveness, a letter of love, and a letter to reconnect. I was extremely hurt by my mother when she so graciously accept the pendent and then when she received the letter chose to not speak to me again.

People could read this and pass judgment on my mother and there are many many things that she has done through the years that certainly would raise a few eyebrows, create or looks on peoples faces of horror when they hear the stories, and interestingly as most of you know who deal with people who alienate children from their other parent there is a master manipulator so the people closest to her she is able to manipulate to believe for toxic lies.

This is not a blog post about bashing my mother is more of a post about enlightening people to how damaging their behavior is to their children. I believe that when we were young my mother really did feel that she was doing the best by not allowing us to see our father at first but then what evolved into parental alienation or shall I say extreme alienation was my mother’s undying desire to sever all ties with not only my father but my father’s family and even her own. When you disagreed with my mom she tell you out if her life and then of course ours. She never once thought about the repercussions or the long-term damage that would have on her children.

I believe the parental alienation stems from a place of fear and lack. It’s from a mentality of the alienating parent never really feeling love or believing that they deserve it. I believe that these limiting beliefs stem from the alienating parent’s childhood by the way they were treated or the way that their parents communicated with them. Alienating parents do not take the time to heal their wounds from the inside out. As I’ve been doing this work with hundreds of target parents and their children, adult children of parental alienation, living and applying it in my own life, and with a small focus group of alienating parents the common thread in the alienator is that they are coming from limiting beliefs that they don’t deserve love. So they graciously pass on their gifts of the limiting belief system of non-deserving mindset. They are behaving in a way that continues to manifest their greatest fear, which is they will never receive love because ultimately they believe they don’t deserve it. The alienating parent projects out into the world, and does to others what they really feel they deserve for themselves.

So many people say to me your mother does horrible things to you how do love her. And often times I asked myself that same question. Like New Year’s Day when I took for metro trains to Pasadena on the hopes that maybe I would get to see my mom and my brother. They were in town for the Rose Bowl. I wrote several times in the prior week’s on my mom’s Facebook wall I left her voice messages, sent her text, I even spoke to her on Christmas day. Of course she made up all the excuses and reasons on that day why she didn’t think it would be possible that we be able to see her even though we were going to be in Pasadena the morning of the rose parade in the Rose Bowl. It’s funny that I’m dating you really want to go to the Rose Parade and he shared with me all the reasons why traffic, parking, too many people, etc. however convinced him that I wanted to go I looked at all the information on the Metro train and off to Pasadena we went the next morning

I told myself that I’ve always wanted to go to the Rose Parade, which was true ,but looking back on it now the child in me really wanted the opportunity to see my mom. Even though we’ve never been close, she’s always taken the divorce out on me (probably because I look like my father) but there’s a part of me that desires a healthy loving bonds and relationship with my mother. I was grateful on New Year’s Eve when my dad’s little brother my uncle Joe’s, family called me to let me know that they too were going to the Rose Parade something that they had never done living in California their entire lives. They were taking a tour bus in from San Luis Obispo my hometown and so I took that as a sign from the universe that I needed to get to Pasadena no matter what.

On the Metro train ride up and had mixed feelings. I was elated to see my extended family whom I love very dearly and I was nervous that my mom would be a no-show. I was keeping the faith that we were there 6 1/2 hours before the game that certainly in that amount of time we would be able to connect even if it is just briefly. We got to the parade met up with my extended family and I continue to call my mom only to get voicemail. I have a sinking feeling that she probably would be a no-show but I kept watching those thoughts out of my mind as I’m a believer that thoughts become things and I didn’t want to manifest that. At 9:30 AM my mom called at butterflies in my stomach kept an open mind and answer the phone. You can imagine my disappointment and broken heart when my mom said they were already in the football stadium six hours before the game starts again it was the same excuses we had to get in our parking spot, there’s so many things to do with the football stadium, we need to get to our seats. Then the next day to read my mothers post Facebook how much fun she had at the Rose bowl and how much she loves her sister and mother that she saw while she was in California, family which she alienated us from most of our childhood, said horrible things about them and then of course when her kids were forming relationships with them in adult hood she went and sabotaged that. So now I no longer have a relationship with my grandmother, this is a whole other story for another day. You can imagine how someone could be hurt, become the victim and take all of this behavior personally. I admit I was crushed at first even shed a momentary tear. Then I sucked it up remember the place of which my o=mother operates the place of lack and limiting belief she does not deserve love and I loved my self and energetically sent the love out into the universe for her.

I didn’t let the Tragedy of the Roses ruined my day, nor did I let that bring in 2010 on a sour note. I know in my heart that I’m a gleaming reminder to my mother of her deepest fears her greatest pain in her lack of love limiting belief system. I let that be the divine gift the universe was providing me which was the reminder of how important my mission is. How important it is to be the voice and force of change for families moving through a divorce and beyond.

I share this with you today not from the victim mindset but from an empowered place. I share this with you today because I think it’s important to share authentically with people what happens in families that are wrought with parental alienation. I share this with you today because in my life and in my business I am striving to do and to teach change. I share this with you today to let you know that you at any moment can change or limiting belief system. You have the opportunity to do, be, act and react differently. I know that this journey that we are all on can be difficult, challenging, and wrought with pain. Is how you choose to handle the difficulties challenges and pain that will cause quantum leaps in your life and in your relationships.

I hold out hope for my relationship with my mother. I hope to be able to express myself in a way this year to let my mom know and show my mom that although I don’t agree with her treatment for her behavior that my love is unconditional. I hope to be able to express myself in a way that only with my mother but with everybody in my life that love is universal and that love comes from the inside out. My intentions this year with Conscious Co-Parenting Institute is to continue to raise the awareness and push forward the journey to eliminate parental alienation globally. I do know from my own personal experience and in the work that I do that when we become aware of our limiting beliefs we increase our consciousness we can shift our behaviors, take responsibility for our contributions good bad or different, and we can love ourselves unconditionally and it is from this place that the world and the global consciousness shifts.

Create a GREAT day!

Dorcy

This year the holidays were super fun. I had my girl’s this year and we did our bi-annual cookie bake off. We make more sweets then we know what to do with and then invite people over Christmas Eve to eat them and then take them home. This year was particularly fun because my girls were old enough to help. We baked several of our favorites, a big fat HoHo cake which is a chocolate roll cake and homemade whipped cream, Yummy!

Holidays can be trying and challenging for a lot of divorced families. We were hoping that Rob and his children were going to come for part of the holiday however his ex was not going to have it. It is unfortunate that the children suffer at the insecurities and lack mentality of their parents. It is unfortunate when divorced parents don’t really put the needs of their children first and manipulate their children into thinking that their needs and desires are the same as their parents.

So this holiday as our families change and grow we make adjustments to what is and what is not. We enjoy each other when we have the time to spend with each other and we let go of the expectations we have of the perfect family or the perfect scenario and go with the flow. When this happens it create a peace and harmony in what can easily be a chaotic situation. We can move from a place of allowing the alienating parent to control and manipulate our emotions to just being.

My ex and I have a relationship where we can be in the same room with each other and be kind and courteous. He came over Christmas morning after we had our time with Santa and had some lunch and we exchanged gifts. It is not my favorite part of Christmas for me, however it is my children’s favorite part. Even though they know mom and dad will never be together again they like it when we spend time together with them. It is important to set a good example for our children after divorce that their relationship with both of their parents is important.

The day after Christmas the girls went to their dads for the second half of the holiday break. This part is particularly painful to me as my mother who continue to behave in an alienating fashion sends the girls big presents to their dads house, along with my grandmother who has been manipulated by my mother she no longer send me the hand selected Hallmark Holiday card she send them to my ex titled to the Worlds Greatest Grandson…it is perplexing at best considering my grandmother has only seen my ex 3 times at most in the 18 years I have know him. What’s unfortunate is how my ex thinks that this is ok and encourages this behavior. He is the passive aggressive alienator and pretends like he is unaware of the damage this causes to our children. This used to infuriate me now that understand the psychology of this toxic behavior I no longer allow their behavior to impact me. I come from a place of forgiveness and let it go.

So many alienators love to say “well I am not an alienator because they ma not say out right You other parent is bad, or mean or does not love you, because they behave in a very passive aggressive way they can fool a lot of people into thinking they are the victim and that their has wronged them they have done nothing etc, however this year is the year that Parental Alienation in all of is fall out will be included in the DSM (Diagnosis and statistical mental disorders. If not you have not sent in your vote can do so here http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?page_id=5372 This will bring in more consistency to family court and more importantly catch and stop the behavior early on. I do believe that some alienators can stop. When they can set aside their anger and pain and their victim mindset and truly put their disdain and hate for the other parent aside and put the love for your children first.
The man I am seeing his ex came after me this past weekend when we went to get the kids. She would not open the door she had the kids speak to me through the mail slot on the door. She finally came to the door when Rob threatened to call the police and charge her with kidnapping. She came after me with all guns a blazing. She was all over the map screaming toxic nonsense and anger at me for bloging and doing what I do. Angry for accusing her of being an alienator yet continue to scream at me in front of her children belittling Rob and then me in front of the children. She has her daughter spying on us. She removes our business cards from Robs house and anything else she want to use to try to manipulate. It is very unfortunate. She even has her children reading what I write. She thinks that what she is doing is normal and that having adult conversations with her children is appropriate. She feels that using them, as her sounding board for all the horrible things she feels Rob has done is somehow healthy and normal. She thinks that yelling at me and raising her hands to hit me more then once in front of her children is normal and healthy. She believes that now the demise of her relationship is my fault yet the separated 3 years before we met. She has now turned her toxic behavior towards me. Worried I am sure of any type of relationship I would have with their children she is taking this opportunity to throw me under the bus. What is the saddest apart of all of this is the kids are caught in the crossfire. They are trying to not be disloyal to their mother who is constantly fit to be tied and in the process spirally into the lack mentality, hate and despair. They are so confused they say things like I am destroying their family? That’s perplexing since the divorce was four years ago. The kids are using vulgar language towards me as if this is ok. The ex was making a stance for her pride as she did not want to me to see inside her house as they just got back from a trip and the suitcases were still in the living room and that was why she was so upset, the verbal attack was irrational and all over the board. It ended with her finally sending the reluctant children out to the car and me leaving her porch. If I had it to do over again we would have notified her that I was coming as well so she could get prepared, however in an effort to contact his children for the entire week prior with not one return phone call except from his 8 year old son just prior to our drive to her home to pick them up, it would be difficult to have achieved that task.
I will chalk up his ex’s claims to not being an alienator to her lack of really knowing what that means. My hope for the children is that she will realize what her behavior is doing to her children before they turn on her in adulthood. My hope is that all the alienators of the world will take the time to heal their wounds to understand the source of their behavior and get the help that they need to learn how to truly love themselves and then love others including their children. It does not have to be this difficult. There does not need to be all this hurt, drama and pain. Nobody is saying that divorce is easy. It really does not matter who is to blame it takes two to tango some alienators love to claim that since they did not want to leave the unhealthy marriage that the target parent is 100% to blame so therefore they do not deserve to have any kind of a relationship with their children. They think it is okay to tell the children that the other parent left the family when in reality the other parent left the marriage not the family. These false claims and attacks damage the children’s self esteem and relationship in the future. A lack of understand at this level is what causes early onset of drug abuse, inappropriate sexual activity and suicide in teens. It is with greater awareness change happens.
My intent to shed light on my personal journeys through parental alienation is to help others see the errors of their ways, to understand that change can happen when you make the choice to change and that love and forgiveness is a simple change action away. An alienator can make the decision to do something different and then do it. A target parent can respond and take constructive action at anytime it is making the decision to do it and then doing it. It really is that simple. I have watched it in my own life and I have coached many others to do the very same thing. All you have to do is make a different choice.
As a side note To Rob’s ex who is now reading my blog, I invite you to let go of your anger. I invite you to think about the ramification your actions and words have on your children as well as yourself. I am more then happy to talk with you when ever you wish. I want you to know that I understand your pain and I understand your fear and I understand how you feel about me I even understand your anger towards your ex. I am not trying to take any thing from you. I am simply trying to help the man I love have a healthy loving relationship with his children that he once had. There is plenty of room in their hearts to love both of you and the people you both choose to share your lives with, it does not have to be wrought with fighting and hatred. It can be filled with love and connectedness. I know you don’t want to be my friend and no one is saying that you have to be what is important is to encourage the bond between both you and you’re children as well as their father and their children. They are not a possession to be fought over they are human beings who can think and act for themselves. One day they will grow into adulthood and nothing world be more tragic then to watch your beautiful children grow into their adulthood with hatred in their hearts and learned behavior that is not healthy or loving. It will affect ALL of their relationship. Including their relationship with you trust me, I KNOW!!!!!
Next week I will share my journey to the Rose Parade in hopes of seeing my mother and my continued efforts to bridge the gap…

In love and Peace,

Dorcy Russell

Tis the season for creating new traditions and spending time with family…. I was so excited about Christmas when my girls were younger I was so exciting to see their faces as they came down the stairs to see what Santa brought…I divorced when my girls were young 2 and 4 so those early Christmases were a blast…Today I could do without the holidays at times…I mean the commercialism really does get old…I am spending this year with my girls and my sweetheart and this I am looking forward to.

So many clients have been wrought with sorrow this year as this is their year without their children and they are feeling panic and anxiety that things will be different and they will be alone and lonely…So many people are wrapped up in the fact that the illusions of holidays gone by are the ways they are suppose to spend their holidays now and the fact that the kids will be with their other parent they really are stuck…I remember my first Christmas without my girls…I was overwhelmed with pain and sorrow I was angry with myself for not being able to make my marriage work and for being so unhappy…I was filled with self doubt blame, sorrow and pain…One of my dear friends invited me to spend the Christmas with her and her family in NewYork. This was also her first Christmas without her daughter so she was feeling the same pain…so reluctantly off to the great white north I headed…It was not the preferred way I thought at time, to spend the holidays but I must admit that the new traditions was fun. It was great to be in the city at Christmas it snowed and the tree at Rockefeller center was beautiful…It was strange to be away from my girls but I wanted to really be by myself to really spend time getting to know me and to figure out what I really wanted out on my life and wanted to start discovering who I was.

So many this year are still struggling with their limiting believes about the holidays stuck in the what should be verse really creating what they really want or really just recognizing that they do not have to buy into everybody elses traditions and limiting beliefs. The holiday season is a time to reflect a time to give thanks a time to be grateful for who you are and the opportunity to create a life that you desire and love. It is a time to remember that you are here for a greater purpose that you are here to bring love and joy to many and to do this you must bring love and joy to yourself.

So many have asked me to help them change their mindset and to come up with new things to do and ways to spend the holidays. So here are some suggestions If you are without your children.

Take a trip go someplace you have always wanted to go.

If truly being alone is more then you could bare this year then spend time with people you love. Ask someone close if they mind if you can come over and be with their family. People love to give and you would be surprised how many people would love your company and having you over.

Every year that my kids are with me we bake for two days before Christmas and we invite everyone we know especially if we know they re alone for the holidays we love opening our home to people and sharing our hearts and our home with people.

If you have the money, adopt a family buy the kids presents and go over Christmas eve And share your love…Giving during the holidays really brings out something in a human that is really hard to explain until you do it.

Find peace, love and forgiveness for yourself and your ex…remember to nurture you and all that you are and your divine soul. You deserve it.

Rent or buy all the funny Christmas movies and watch them all in a row…I did this last year after I left a friends house Christmas eve I laughed so hard it was brilliant

Lat year I went to dear friends home we had dinner and I helped put their four yr olds daughter bike together with Santa what fun was that. Sharing the joy of other children is so fun and takes the sting out of not being with yours. LOVE LOVE LOVE…

Feed the homeless this is so rewarding and they are so appreciative. You know I did this for Thanksgiving and I had so much fun. I was happy and cheerful and greeted everyone with a smile and something positive to say to each and every person that came through the line. Being an empath and able to feel the energy of others I could feel their spirits lifting and some people just down on their luck were so grateful to see a smiling face at the end of the food line.

Go down into a poor neighborhood in your area and take wrapped presents and give them out to the children playing in the street…so rewarding.

I have taken coats down to the homeless shelter on Christmas and passed them out until they were gone, giving from your heart is uplifting and rewarding and knowing that you are helping someone less fortunate is divine.

Go to the abused women shelter and bring toys and gifts for the women and children who have no other place to go and are spending the holidays scared and alone and probably feeling pretty hopeless.

These are all things to do when you have your children as well. Teaching your children to be compassionate is one of the beautiful rewards we have as a parent to see you children act in a compassionate manner. It will truly make your heart soar.

Go to a retirement home and spend the day entertaining and visiting the elderly. If you feel alone go spend time with those who truly are alone you will hear some amazing stories. Bring games, cards anything to entertain these lovely people.

Go to the hospital and visit the children’s ward…seriously you want to bring some joy and cheer go spend some time with the terminally ill kids their spirits are truly AMAZING you will seriously feel so blessed and to connect with the young people of today is one of the greatest pleasures of my life.

My mom taught us early about volunteering and giving back. We reluctantly did meals on wheels, volunteered all the time, we visited to elderly, and we worked haunted houses, fair booths for charity. We ran battered women’s shelters and hotlines. We were always giving back. I love this part of my mom. She really loves to help. She loves to be involved and she really has always been there for every one of her friends. Not all were grateful and that did not matter, my mom gives anyway…I love this quality and I am grateful to have this same quality in me and I am passing to down to my girls. They, of course,s reluctantly go and do volunteer work with me. I know that their complaints will someday be gratitude for learning early to be compassionate, kind, nonjudgmental and unconditionally loving.

PS there is a wonderful organization called Earth gives.org…you can find amazing gifts to give to families globally. This is a great way to teach your children philanthropy and compassion.

So when letting go of the old thoughts about the holidays remembers that it is up to you to decide how you are going to feel and what you are going to do to have an amazing holiday.

I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing new holiday traditions you have recreated for you and your family….Have fun thinking of all of the amazing possibilities…

Sending love, light and lots of holiday cheer…

Dorcy