This year the holidays were super fun. I had my girl’s this year and we did our bi-annual cookie bake off. We make more sweets then we know what to do with and then invite people over Christmas Eve to eat them and then take them home. This year was particularly fun because my girls were old enough to help. We baked several of our favorites, a big fat HoHo cake which is a chocolate roll cake and homemade whipped cream, Yummy!

Holidays can be trying and challenging for a lot of divorced families. We were hoping that Rob and his children were going to come for part of the holiday however his ex was not going to have it. It is unfortunate that the children suffer at the insecurities and lack mentality of their parents. It is unfortunate when divorced parents don’t really put the needs of their children first and manipulate their children into thinking that their needs and desires are the same as their parents.

So this holiday as our families change and grow we make adjustments to what is and what is not. We enjoy each other when we have the time to spend with each other and we let go of the expectations we have of the perfect family or the perfect scenario and go with the flow. When this happens it create a peace and harmony in what can easily be a chaotic situation. We can move from a place of allowing the alienating parent to control and manipulate our emotions to just being.

My ex and I have a relationship where we can be in the same room with each other and be kind and courteous. He came over Christmas morning after we had our time with Santa and had some lunch and we exchanged gifts. It is not my favorite part of Christmas for me, however it is my children’s favorite part. Even though they know mom and dad will never be together again they like it when we spend time together with them. It is important to set a good example for our children after divorce that their relationship with both of their parents is important.

The day after Christmas the girls went to their dads for the second half of the holiday break. This part is particularly painful to me as my mother who continue to behave in an alienating fashion sends the girls big presents to their dads house, along with my grandmother who has been manipulated by my mother she no longer send me the hand selected Hallmark Holiday card she send them to my ex titled to the Worlds Greatest Grandson…it is perplexing at best considering my grandmother has only seen my ex 3 times at most in the 18 years I have know him. What’s unfortunate is how my ex thinks that this is ok and encourages this behavior. He is the passive aggressive alienator and pretends like he is unaware of the damage this causes to our children. This used to infuriate me now that understand the psychology of this toxic behavior I no longer allow their behavior to impact me. I come from a place of forgiveness and let it go.

So many alienators love to say “well I am not an alienator because they ma not say out right You other parent is bad, or mean or does not love you, because they behave in a very passive aggressive way they can fool a lot of people into thinking they are the victim and that their has wronged them they have done nothing etc, however this year is the year that Parental Alienation in all of is fall out will be included in the DSM (Diagnosis and statistical mental disorders. If not you have not sent in your vote can do so here http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/?page_id=5372 This will bring in more consistency to family court and more importantly catch and stop the behavior early on. I do believe that some alienators can stop. When they can set aside their anger and pain and their victim mindset and truly put their disdain and hate for the other parent aside and put the love for your children first.
The man I am seeing his ex came after me this past weekend when we went to get the kids. She would not open the door she had the kids speak to me through the mail slot on the door. She finally came to the door when Rob threatened to call the police and charge her with kidnapping. She came after me with all guns a blazing. She was all over the map screaming toxic nonsense and anger at me for bloging and doing what I do. Angry for accusing her of being an alienator yet continue to scream at me in front of her children belittling Rob and then me in front of the children. She has her daughter spying on us. She removes our business cards from Robs house and anything else she want to use to try to manipulate. It is very unfortunate. She even has her children reading what I write. She thinks that what she is doing is normal and that having adult conversations with her children is appropriate. She feels that using them, as her sounding board for all the horrible things she feels Rob has done is somehow healthy and normal. She thinks that yelling at me and raising her hands to hit me more then once in front of her children is normal and healthy. She believes that now the demise of her relationship is my fault yet the separated 3 years before we met. She has now turned her toxic behavior towards me. Worried I am sure of any type of relationship I would have with their children she is taking this opportunity to throw me under the bus. What is the saddest apart of all of this is the kids are caught in the crossfire. They are trying to not be disloyal to their mother who is constantly fit to be tied and in the process spirally into the lack mentality, hate and despair. They are so confused they say things like I am destroying their family? That’s perplexing since the divorce was four years ago. The kids are using vulgar language towards me as if this is ok. The ex was making a stance for her pride as she did not want to me to see inside her house as they just got back from a trip and the suitcases were still in the living room and that was why she was so upset, the verbal attack was irrational and all over the board. It ended with her finally sending the reluctant children out to the car and me leaving her porch. If I had it to do over again we would have notified her that I was coming as well so she could get prepared, however in an effort to contact his children for the entire week prior with not one return phone call except from his 8 year old son just prior to our drive to her home to pick them up, it would be difficult to have achieved that task.
I will chalk up his ex’s claims to not being an alienator to her lack of really knowing what that means. My hope for the children is that she will realize what her behavior is doing to her children before they turn on her in adulthood. My hope is that all the alienators of the world will take the time to heal their wounds to understand the source of their behavior and get the help that they need to learn how to truly love themselves and then love others including their children. It does not have to be this difficult. There does not need to be all this hurt, drama and pain. Nobody is saying that divorce is easy. It really does not matter who is to blame it takes two to tango some alienators love to claim that since they did not want to leave the unhealthy marriage that the target parent is 100% to blame so therefore they do not deserve to have any kind of a relationship with their children. They think it is okay to tell the children that the other parent left the family when in reality the other parent left the marriage not the family. These false claims and attacks damage the children’s self esteem and relationship in the future. A lack of understand at this level is what causes early onset of drug abuse, inappropriate sexual activity and suicide in teens. It is with greater awareness change happens.
My intent to shed light on my personal journeys through parental alienation is to help others see the errors of their ways, to understand that change can happen when you make the choice to change and that love and forgiveness is a simple change action away. An alienator can make the decision to do something different and then do it. A target parent can respond and take constructive action at anytime it is making the decision to do it and then doing it. It really is that simple. I have watched it in my own life and I have coached many others to do the very same thing. All you have to do is make a different choice.
As a side note To Rob’s ex who is now reading my blog, I invite you to let go of your anger. I invite you to think about the ramification your actions and words have on your children as well as yourself. I am more then happy to talk with you when ever you wish. I want you to know that I understand your pain and I understand your fear and I understand how you feel about me I even understand your anger towards your ex. I am not trying to take any thing from you. I am simply trying to help the man I love have a healthy loving relationship with his children that he once had. There is plenty of room in their hearts to love both of you and the people you both choose to share your lives with, it does not have to be wrought with fighting and hatred. It can be filled with love and connectedness. I know you don’t want to be my friend and no one is saying that you have to be what is important is to encourage the bond between both you and you’re children as well as their father and their children. They are not a possession to be fought over they are human beings who can think and act for themselves. One day they will grow into adulthood and nothing world be more tragic then to watch your beautiful children grow into their adulthood with hatred in their hearts and learned behavior that is not healthy or loving. It will affect ALL of their relationship. Including their relationship with you trust me, I KNOW!!!!!
Next week I will share my journey to the Rose Parade in hopes of seeing my mother and my continued efforts to bridge the gap…

In love and Peace,

Dorcy Russell

Tis the season for creating new traditions and spending time with family…. I was so excited about Christmas when my girls were younger I was so exciting to see their faces as they came down the stairs to see what Santa brought…I divorced when my girls were young 2 and 4 so those early Christmases were a blast…Today I could do without the holidays at times…I mean the commercialism really does get old…I am spending this year with my girls and my sweetheart and this I am looking forward to.

So many clients have been wrought with sorrow this year as this is their year without their children and they are feeling panic and anxiety that things will be different and they will be alone and lonely…So many people are wrapped up in the fact that the illusions of holidays gone by are the ways they are suppose to spend their holidays now and the fact that the kids will be with their other parent they really are stuck…I remember my first Christmas without my girls…I was overwhelmed with pain and sorrow I was angry with myself for not being able to make my marriage work and for being so unhappy…I was filled with self doubt blame, sorrow and pain…One of my dear friends invited me to spend the Christmas with her and her family in NewYork. This was also her first Christmas without her daughter so she was feeling the same pain…so reluctantly off to the great white north I headed…It was not the preferred way I thought at time, to spend the holidays but I must admit that the new traditions was fun. It was great to be in the city at Christmas it snowed and the tree at Rockefeller center was beautiful…It was strange to be away from my girls but I wanted to really be by myself to really spend time getting to know me and to figure out what I really wanted out on my life and wanted to start discovering who I was.

So many this year are still struggling with their limiting believes about the holidays stuck in the what should be verse really creating what they really want or really just recognizing that they do not have to buy into everybody elses traditions and limiting beliefs. The holiday season is a time to reflect a time to give thanks a time to be grateful for who you are and the opportunity to create a life that you desire and love. It is a time to remember that you are here for a greater purpose that you are here to bring love and joy to many and to do this you must bring love and joy to yourself.

So many have asked me to help them change their mindset and to come up with new things to do and ways to spend the holidays. So here are some suggestions If you are without your children.

Take a trip go someplace you have always wanted to go.

If truly being alone is more then you could bare this year then spend time with people you love. Ask someone close if they mind if you can come over and be with their family. People love to give and you would be surprised how many people would love your company and having you over.

Every year that my kids are with me we bake for two days before Christmas and we invite everyone we know especially if we know they re alone for the holidays we love opening our home to people and sharing our hearts and our home with people.

If you have the money, adopt a family buy the kids presents and go over Christmas eve And share your love…Giving during the holidays really brings out something in a human that is really hard to explain until you do it.

Find peace, love and forgiveness for yourself and your ex…remember to nurture you and all that you are and your divine soul. You deserve it.

Rent or buy all the funny Christmas movies and watch them all in a row…I did this last year after I left a friends house Christmas eve I laughed so hard it was brilliant

Lat year I went to dear friends home we had dinner and I helped put their four yr olds daughter bike together with Santa what fun was that. Sharing the joy of other children is so fun and takes the sting out of not being with yours. LOVE LOVE LOVE…

Feed the homeless this is so rewarding and they are so appreciative. You know I did this for Thanksgiving and I had so much fun. I was happy and cheerful and greeted everyone with a smile and something positive to say to each and every person that came through the line. Being an empath and able to feel the energy of others I could feel their spirits lifting and some people just down on their luck were so grateful to see a smiling face at the end of the food line.

Go down into a poor neighborhood in your area and take wrapped presents and give them out to the children playing in the street…so rewarding.

I have taken coats down to the homeless shelter on Christmas and passed them out until they were gone, giving from your heart is uplifting and rewarding and knowing that you are helping someone less fortunate is divine.

Go to the abused women shelter and bring toys and gifts for the women and children who have no other place to go and are spending the holidays scared and alone and probably feeling pretty hopeless.

These are all things to do when you have your children as well. Teaching your children to be compassionate is one of the beautiful rewards we have as a parent to see you children act in a compassionate manner. It will truly make your heart soar.

Go to a retirement home and spend the day entertaining and visiting the elderly. If you feel alone go spend time with those who truly are alone you will hear some amazing stories. Bring games, cards anything to entertain these lovely people.

Go to the hospital and visit the children’s ward…seriously you want to bring some joy and cheer go spend some time with the terminally ill kids their spirits are truly AMAZING you will seriously feel so blessed and to connect with the young people of today is one of the greatest pleasures of my life.

My mom taught us early about volunteering and giving back. We reluctantly did meals on wheels, volunteered all the time, we visited to elderly, and we worked haunted houses, fair booths for charity. We ran battered women’s shelters and hotlines. We were always giving back. I love this part of my mom. She really loves to help. She loves to be involved and she really has always been there for every one of her friends. Not all were grateful and that did not matter, my mom gives anyway…I love this quality and I am grateful to have this same quality in me and I am passing to down to my girls. They, of course,s reluctantly go and do volunteer work with me. I know that their complaints will someday be gratitude for learning early to be compassionate, kind, nonjudgmental and unconditionally loving.

PS there is a wonderful organization called Earth gives.org…you can find amazing gifts to give to families globally. This is a great way to teach your children philanthropy and compassion.

So when letting go of the old thoughts about the holidays remembers that it is up to you to decide how you are going to feel and what you are going to do to have an amazing holiday.

I look forward to hearing about all of the amazing new holiday traditions you have recreated for you and your family….Have fun thinking of all of the amazing possibilities…

Sending love, light and lots of holiday cheer…

Dorcy

This week I was reminded of what it was like to view the world from a hawk’s eye view. every morning this week there was a hawk that waited outside my home and twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon he flew with me and my daughters as we walked up the street to the bus stop. He sat in a tree across from us and watched us as we waited for the bus. And once my daughters were on the bus he flew back down the street with me. I’ve always had a fascination with the Hawks as they started to show up when my grandmother passed away when I was 15. There always seems to be a hawk when we have a family reunion, a few years back I was in a not so healthy relationship and six families of hawks took up residence in my backyard for two years. it was loud and overwhelming but I didn’t want to recognize the real reasons that they were there. I didn’t really come to realize until just this week what the hawks really mean in my life.

You may be asking what is a hawk to do with parenting? and as it turns out plenty. We have a one hawk spotting a day rule in my family. Thia rule was placed on me by my children a few years back when hawks just seem to be showing up out of nowhere. In the most random places in the most interesting times. I looked up what Hawk energy means before and never really found much on it. But this week since the hawk was guiding me up and down the street with my children I figured I’d give it another look and see. and here’s what I found.

“Hawks are visionaries and messengers. As a totem they help to open the higher chakras so that we may hear and see the visions and messages that Spirit and the Universe are always sending our way. There is never a moment when the Universe is not trying to get a message through to us but we are so often too busy or unaware of what it is we need to be watching for! Hawk helps us to not only be aware that we are receiving a message but how to interpret them. The realm of symbols is also the realm of Hawk for Hawk is able to soar high above the earth to soar on the breath of Spirit, to commune with Spirit and thus understand through the intuitive level what the message means and with their keen eyesight, how to implement it once they return to earth through seeing the broader picture below.

Many of the messages Hawk may bring are about freeing yourself of thoughts and beliefs that are limiting your ability to soar above your life and gain a greater perspective. If one remains earthbound, then the possibilities of life are limited! It is this ability to soar high above to catch a glimpse of the bigger picture that is one of the aspects of Hawk medicine that makes it so valuable: If one is undergoing a difficult passage to know that just over the next hill is freedom and liberation if one keeps going can be a Godsend in supporting the person to keep moving forward! Likewise, if the path is not appropriate, Hawk Medicine can alert one to this and point out a far more favorable path.
Hawk medicine unites Heaven and Earth. Because of their ability to soar, they are able to reach up to the heavens to extract needed information and bring it back to earth. Much of this information is also very practical for use on a daily basis! It is not only higher concepts or ideas that are relayed, but also information we need to make our material or mundane lives more prosperous and fulfilling. For those who have difficulty attracting financial well being due to false or negative beliefs about money and success, Hawk can help to understand the true spiritual intent and purpose behind money and guide one in establishing new beliefs that are more joyful and abundant in nature.
Hawk can alert us to those times when we should NOT take action because we do not yet have all the information we need. For example, someone is thinking of about becoming involved in a relationship, personal or business, yet they get the feeling that something is “not quite right”. This needs to be heeded and Hawk sent forth to gather the appropriate information to help the person make the best choice. Sometimes the person finds that Hawk was telling them to steer clear for very good reasons.

One of the greatest gifts a Hawk medicine person can give the world is their visions of a better and brighter future. Visionaries are always ahead of their time and it’s not easy seeing what others are not ready to see. Often these people are not honored and recognized for their work and efforts until long after they have crossed over. And yet their work lives on to touch and enrich the lives of people the world over! Honor the Hawk people you meet in your life. Encourage them to soar so they may bring their visions and messages back to earth that all may benefit. If you are a Hawk person yourself, understand that Spirit can you an especial task to hold the energy of what could be, of potentials that are waiting to be envisioned and thus expressed through the mass consciousness. Seek out other Hawk people who can support you in your life and never allow others to cause you to lose sight of what is really important to you! Trust in the messages that Spirit entrusts to your special care and know that the expression of your visions will bring blessings not only to you, but also to all others!”

As a parent and a co-parenting coach I was awe in reading about the Hawks and even more importantly the Hawk medicine person. I often times find myself in thoughts and in feeling energy for others that I’m soaring above that I can see things in know things for their life and the direction they should be going, before they can see it. Sometimes this is the news that hangs around my neck and often times in my coaching is a gift that the aides and offering a light to the path that sets them free. for the first time in a long time I can see that this ability I have which oftentimes feels like a burden if used properly is a gift. If you’re reading this and you can relate you probably find the same comfort that I found which is I’m not alone. opportunity as parents to not only teach our children how to connect with God, the universe or whatever your spiritual belief is and what I have found since I’ve been apparent for the last 11 years and been working with children is that they often times in so many meaningful and deep ways teach us how to view our lives from the hawks eye view.

As a parent, often times we see things from a Hawk’s eye view. we have either learned a lesson from experience, or we can see things that are dangerous, harmful, or not the right direction for our children and so we want to guide them in the right direction. Sometimes his parents we think we see it from a hawk’s eye view and try to force our children to do it our way of course if we think about that and we know in our hearts that really isn’t a hawks eye view and more a desire to control.

This week I’ve been working very diligently on a new project of licensing instructors to teach my conscious coparenting course. There have been delays technical difficulties getting the website set up and anything and everything you can imagine. I believe that the hawk showed up this week to let me know I was on the right path. This particular hawk I believe was a spirit guide opening my heart chakra allowing me to soar above my work and really understand that their teachings of the conscious co-parenting Institute is coming out into the world in a really big way. The men and women who have already signed up for the licensing program or extraordinary human beings ready to take the co-parenting principles and skills and easy to implement techniques out into their communities with pride, passion, and purpose.

As as I soar above looking at my life from a hawks eye view. I am nervous, excited, at times overwhelms, but I feel very focused, purposeful, and driven. I am grateful for the Hawks in my life and for the spirit guides for whom they represent. I am grateful that the hot sub in my life during times of turmoil and strife, and in times where my purpose and passion are on the forefront in their presence is a continued reminder of the driving force and desire to bring positive change in the world. for hot start daily reminder for me to keep moving, moving, and moving in the direction of creating positive change for divorced families globally.

There were some delays with getting my licensing program launched and I was beginning to get frustrated but now I know that there were some things I still needed before it could take off. I am watching the licensing program next week for a couple of days and the following week for a couple of days. If you’re interested in learning more feel free to contact me at 888 – 379 -7279.

Thank you to those of you who have already signed up who feel driven by the same purpose and passion as myself. I’m excited to teach you and to guide you into your purpose and passion driven life.

Create a great day!

Dorcy Russell

This week was a crazy week. My sister’s mother in law passed away and so off to Northern California she travels with her husband, leaving her seven-year-old son behind to stay with my girls and me. I know so many people who parent more then one or two children and I say more power to you. I had three kids, three different schools, and all of the extra curricular activities. It was amazing how hard it was to step out of our daily routines and add just one extra child into the mix. We had car pool, bus stops, homework, and meals every morning and every night, family time around the table, lunches to pack, and of course just when it could not get any busier it was time for the State fair and my oldest daughter shows goats with her dad so just one more activity. You would think that would throw me into a tail spin but nope there was too much to do and to many little people counting on me so as one of my girlfriends would say I put the “S” on my chest, grabbed my cape and my cup of what is now cold tea that I had made earlier and headed out the door everyday to run the bus and carpool race.

I laugh at how by the end of the week we effectively had incorporated a new child into our routine and it felt like we had been doing this all along. My Nephew and I would walk my oldest to the bus stop and then race back up the street, it is pretty sad when you get your butt kicked y a seven-year-old. I was excited every morning after seeing my second daughter off on her bus to have the 30 minutes with my nephew as we sat in the carpool lane of his school. I was able to read a new friends amazingly clever and hilarious book, Feng Shui Love. We chatted about the book he was reading and I have to admit it was a little stolen pleasure in what could have very easily been a stressful and difficult week. We created a positive out of what could have been perceived as a negative.

Only a few small hiccups, just when I thought I had it all under control, 30 minutes before picking up my child from carpool for dance on Tuesday I realized it was at the same time I had to pick up my nephew on the other side of town. A fleeting moment of panic set in and then this super mom was freaking out about how in the world I was going to achieve the impossible and be in two places at once. I could feel my cape slipping off and my “S” fading and then my oldest daughter had called they had finished showing goats and I reluctantly asked to speak with her father thinking he would say no or be irritated or worse say something in front on my daughter to make me look weak and helpless and unable to handle my co-parenting duty. I really had no other choice at the moment and I was going to have to take that risk. And there he was ready willing and able to pick up my youngest daughter in time to take her to dance while I picked up my nephew and we met at the dance school. Whew another small crisis handed with ease and grace.

Where I am going with all of this is simple: Co-parenting can be difficult, maddening and sometime an outright pain in the behind. It is a choice you and your ex make to create chaos or calm in your lives. You can choose to work together or apart. Sometimes we let our own minds run away with what we think someone is going to do that we don’t give them the opportunity to do something kind.

There are times in my own situation I wonder if we are ever going to make it through our differences so that we can get something accomplished. And then there are the times when Mr. Ex steps up and is there for me and more importantly our children. I am so grateful that we can look past our differences most of the time and put our children’s needs first.

Could I have made it through a challenging situation of needing to be in two places at one time without the help of my ex? Probably, however it made it a lot easier that I did not have to worry about it for too long as he was cooperative and willing to help. This is not always the case and it is important as a single parent to remember to not always rely or abuse the other parent when you are in need or a time of crisis. If you are always crying wolf your child’s other parent is not going to respond. Remember that your crisis does not constitute a crisis for your ex even if it does include your child. As single parents we all need to learn to take care of things on our own we need to make a conscious effort to work with our children’s other parent and to not always rely on them but to know that we can count on each other in times of need when it is related to the children is a luxury we should all strive for in our co-parenting relationship with our ex. Cooperating with your ex means laying down your weapons in the war of divorce in order to protect your children.

I am grateful that my girl’s father and I have come to a place where we work together and help each other out. I am grateful that I can express gratitude without feeling slighted and he can help without feeling owed. I am grateful that we can put our children’s needs first and even though we get irritated with each other we can focus on what is the most important which is our children.

Its so easy to stay negative and it take effort to be positive but the rewards are so worth it.

Create a GREAT day!

In love and service,

Dorcy Russell

Conscious Co-parenting Institute