Today after sending my beautiful daughters off to spend the day with their father I can’t help thinking about my own father and the tragedy of the loss of our relationship when I was a young girl. I think about how hard it is to do it right. How hard it is to watch these little girls travel off with their own father yet knowing that even though it is hard for me it is what is best for them.
As an adult child of Parental Alienation I know the enormous pain that is felt by a child who has lost their parent. I know the enormous pain as a divorced mom and the fact that I can’t be with my children 24/7 and the fact that their father has a say so too. I am frustrated constantly by his passive aggressive behavior even though I know that it is his own fear. I want to be enraged and do it back to him. A severe alienator raised me and I certainly have seen all the tricks in the book. I had participated in these behaviors as a child, with my own father. Yet the moment I go to those thoughts with regard to my own children, I remind myself of the pain that it has caused me and the mere thought of causing even a fraction of that pain for my children stops me from moving in that direction. I know I am one of the lucky ones. As an adult child of PAS I very easily could have gone down the same road as my mother. I could have processed through that very low place in myself and caused a great deal of pain for many. I made the choice to do something different.
On this fathers day I think about the men I have dated since my own divorce and how all of them have suffered tremendous loss at the hands of their ex wife’s, narcissistic women who have suffered some sort of deep seeded pain in their own life, probably in childhood, that has caused them to abuse their children through punishing their ex for not providing them with what so clearly comes from the inside. These women have used their children as pawns to extract money from their ex’s, they have called their ex’s and me the most horrific thing you could imagine in front of the children. They have brained washed these young souls into believing their own tragic lies and have used them as their counselor shared inappropriate information and have caused the loss of a loving parent in their children’s lives. Their behavior is so vast and toxic to share here today.
I have experienced Parental alienation in my life from all angles. I have even felt the strong pull to want to seek revenge on the alienators in my life; I have felt the desire to hurt them as much as they have hurt me. I HAVE BEEN THERE. I know what it feels like to be the child lost and scared feeling abandoned by one parent and hated by the other. The adult who has had many dysfunctional relationships looking for someone to take care of me emotionally and to love me, the divorced mother who has to share her children with their father and not wanting to, but doing so anyways because it is what is best for my children, going against what I was taught as a child from my mother the alienator in my life, reminding myself of the pain that it caused me and my father and really everyone I have had a relationship with since childhood. I have been fighting with the demons inside of me to find footing in the world as a human being and believing enough in myself that I am a good parent and not alienating myself from my children or my children from their father. I have been the girlfriend of a few unsuspecting men who had no idea what was happening to them as their once loving bond with their children was broken that their children were mean to them saying they were horrible people and parents. I have sat up many a nights holding the man that I love and letting him know that I understand and that deep in the hearts of his children there is unconditional love for him and they are lost, their brains had been robbed and they are uncertain of how to find their way back and to keep fighting for them, stay strong don’t ever give up.
On this Fathers day I am sadden by the many people who have spent many years suffering at the hands of this ill fated global epidemic, Parental Alienation. From the Children who suffer in silence not knowing what is happening to them, as one of the people who gave them life manipulates their minds into believing that their other parent is not worthy of being a parent and that the other parent is not capable of being as good of a parent as they are or worse that a loving parent does not love them. That some how in this manipulation these young minds are being robbed of their God given right to have a relationship with both of their parents. These young people have no idea what is happening. They have fallen victim to this horrible tragedy. Many of these young people grow up without one of their parents actively in their lives and in doing so this has caused problems with all of their adult relationships, this has caused many to search outside of themselves in very destructive ways for something that really comes from the inside.
In my quest to gain knowledge in my own life, I discovered in my undying need to be loved in an unhealthy and codependent way, Parental Alienation. I discovered that I was not alone. I discovered that not only was I not alone but that I was here on this earth in this lifetime to help expose this horrible tragedy that is tearing apart our worlds families but more importantly to provide solutions to overcoming the problem.
My story has a marginal happy ending. I have reconnected with my father although we had many failed attempts through the years when I discover what had happened I was able to educate my siblings and my father. I was able to reach out from a different place as I worked on getting things right on the inside for me. My father has seven children and seven grandchildren and we were all together for the very first time to surprise him for his 60th birthday last year. I felt an overwhelming feeling of love the moment I saw my fathers face when he saw all of us standing there waiting to celebrate his life. There was not a dry eye in the room.
I felt compelled to share my story with you this father’s day for a couple of reason. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and although he has beat the odds and the amount of time they have given him to live in my heart I know that he will pass.I am so grateful that before he goes we have had this time to heal and grow and just simply love each other for who we are and for no other reason. I know that when he does pass his spirit will sore and he will always be with his children. My dad and I have a special bond that has transcended many lifetimes, we are kindred spirits. I love you dad. I want to share with you that it is never to late to stop the behavior; it is never to late to reach out as the child or as adult child of PAS. It is never to late as the target parent to reconnect to change your mindset and behavior. There are proven ways to get this right. I figured out a lot of things on my own and through getting educated and now I help other do exactly the same thing. I have to admit that it is not easy. I still struggle with staying in touch and letting go of the old pain. When it creeps up I recognize it much faster and deal with it in a proactive way. The other reason I wanted to share is unless you know me personally or have worked with me you have not heard my personal story with parental alienation. I have not shared my own experience with PAS because I was ashamed of how I behaved for so may years towards my father and my experience has been so painful I did not want to share it. I also still have not mended my relationship with my mother, the main alienator in my life.
I would like to think that at some point that I can have peace surrounding the relationships with both of my parents. I would like to point out that some of the thing my mother said about my father were true however it is important to remember that people are here to learn and grow and that some people may have character flaws but that does not make them a bad parent or that they should not have a right to have a relationship with their children. Interestingly although my father is not the greatest man that ever lived neither is my mother and if I were to look at the two of them, as parents in my fathers presence I ALWAYS feel loved I have had the most tumultuous relationship with my mother. She has been mean, hateful and when confronted she is in complete denial. I have tried for many years to mend this relationship and still hold out hope that my mother will have an even bigger voice for change. I believe that everyone does what they do out of love or fear. I believe that my mother has been processing from a place of fear her entire life and that she has never truly loved herself so she has never been able to love others. She does not know what it feels like to be loved. I am holding the space open for her and for other alienators to step up to admit that they have done something that is hurting their children to own their behavior and to change. I know many of you reading this may think this is silly and impossible, at times I feel the same way, however in the past 90 days I have been working with a handful of parents that answered a call to participate in a study to see if they could change their behavior. I have to tell you the results are astounding. I have seen positive change in people that I never thought would be possible.
It is never to late to change. Anybody can do it. It takes a village to raise a child. It takes proactive action and conscious parenting. If you are an alienating parent and you know who you are reach out and seek the help you need to get right on the inside. Step up and really do what is necessary to provide a loving environment for your children. If you are a target parent take back your life. Do the work you need to do to become aware of how you are contributing. Stop thinking and acting like a victim and take control of the situation. Find the right people to help you take back your power and your relationship with your children. If you are a child of PAS adult or otherwise you are the true victim here but it does not have to stay that way. It really is never to late to take control of your life. To learn the skills you need to reconnect with your other parent and loved ones.
There are so many ways to bring our families together. So many things that we ALL can do differently. I am hear as a voice and as a leader in proactive and positive change.
Thank you letting me shares with you a brief glimpse into my personal journey with Parental Alienations.
Happy Fathers day to all of the wonderful fathers in the world. To the Fathers who are being denied the right to being an active father, just know that deep down inside your children they hold a space of unconditional love for you. They are just being robbed of their ability to take action and to show it☺ Say it out loud say it on this special day I LOVE YOU to your children even if they can’t hear you they can feel it. Unconditional love does not stop just because they are not in your everyday life
In love, light and peace,